haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
