i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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