3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
