I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
