You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
