just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
