i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Randomize
