nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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