I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
