This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
