Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
