My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
