Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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