For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
