come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
