Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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