You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
