Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
