I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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