i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
