How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
