i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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