1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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