the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
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If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
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I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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