I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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