shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
