After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
