I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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