I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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