omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize