is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
