Tell her she can't have a vagina
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
