so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
