I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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