I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
