I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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