Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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