Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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