You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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