can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
