I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
50% drunk capacity currently
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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