She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
