Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
