Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
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