Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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