I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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