upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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