just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
