if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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