If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
