The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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