Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
