just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
