i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
