I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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