its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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