i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
