Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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