Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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