A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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