I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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